The Good Stuff

After taking a break from morning writing yesterday, she found herself full of ideas and energy this morning. It felt good, the story was flowing and she could've written for hours more had she not needed to go to work. Eight-o'clock meeting this morning. Still the writing was fast and furious and exiciting. Capped off by 8 inches of snow on the ground. The nice, dry kind that brushes off of the car with pleasurable ease. Still she barely got into work on time, taking the streets nice and easy, unwilling to allow for another skid downhill toward a red light. No need for adrenalin this morning.

She rushed into work, pulling off snow boots and pulling on the snazzy suede ones she got at Payless Shoe Source yesterday. Wide feet are hard to fit and when she found a shoe that did, her joy knew no bounds. She trotted down the hall to the meeting, a bit late, but not the last to arrive.

Writing in the Third Person

It felt weird. There was no question about that. And, god...pretentious. But the reality was, third person was how she wrote her stories. And third person tended to be how her thought processes worked. It seemed to make it easier to put things into words if she could view herself from the outside looking in.

Her boy cat crunched his evening snack as she plinked out an evening post. She had been noticing all day how nice it was to not have some big thing to be doing...theatre and...well, theatre. Walking down the hallways at work, the cold of the old building fighting with the new HVAC and leaving it still cold, she felt a little lost without something planned for the evening. And a lot relieved at the same time. She hustled into her fleece jacket when she got back to her desk.

Sometimes, having nothing to do makes you take a long look at yourself. She figured that was a good thing, because it was so easy to ignore herself, distracted by the drama of other people and places and requirements. She had been pondering who she might like to be rather than a theatre person. A sailor of tall ships? A karate black belt? A mother?

Tonight she had been a new tennis-shoe buyer, wii player, snowfall watcher. What would she be tomorrow?

Before shutting her computer down for the night, she waved hello to Jeni who was following her blog. She wondered who Jeni had been tonight and hoped she was well and happy.

One Day

After reading Don Miller's blog today she wondered what it would be like to give up worrying about tomorrow and living only for today. The thought stayed with her throughout the work day, popping in and out of her mind. Thinking of only what today held brought with it a kind of freedom. There was suddenly so much less to deal with. Only today. So she worked, she napped, she danced, she wrote. She talked with her mother and snuggled her cats. She sensed the rich darkness of the sharp, cold night outside and knew that all that was left for today was teeth brushing, face washing, and a good night's sleep.

All is well.

The Bleeding Edge of Having Dreams

We all have dreams, hopes and desires. The bible even tells us that God knows the plans he has for us, plans for good and not for evil, plans to give us a future and a hope.

What happens when those dreams and hopes don't materialize? Did you not work hard enough? Were you not risky enough? Why does it still hurt?

There comes a point when you realize that everything you wanted may not happen in your life. Disappointment comes crashing down, desperation sets in, and everything around you looks like a stale trap that you've been caught in. Everyone else is gaining glory, fame and money, except you. And you get into a funk. The things you have are worth nothing, the life you live is unremarkable.

I have always dreamt of being a film actress and being involved in bringing to life fantastical adventures like TRON. It hasn't happened. The TRON franchise, after 28 years, has moved on without me and another dream has crumbled to ashes. And yet, the desire is still there, burning.

But if I am woman enough, I choose to open my eyes. I take a deep breath of the world around me and how much I have. I have an ABUNDANCE of good things in my life. If I cannot live in contentment with them, then I am a broken person, and I will have a long way to fall before I can ever begin seeing my dreams in a new light.

Discontent is poisonous and our capitalist society thrives on it. If we are not discontent, we will not buy things that we think we desperately need to be happy and fulfilled.

If Hollywood and I can never find each other (and trust me, we've tried...I lived in LA for years trying to get work as an actress) that must be okay. Otherwise, my life will go unlived, wallowing in discontent, desperation and unhappiness. I will always see my life through the filter of "not getting to do what I wanted to do."

I refuse to do that. I own my desires and passions. They belong to me, not me to them. While I wil always have to deal with them, I choose life. I choose my life. And, glory be! It's a good one! I have precious family nearby, good friends to hang out with, creative outlets, a home of my own, a solid job, health, life in peacetime...I'm so grateful for what I've been given.

Dreams can make you live your life in a tunnel. Demanding that you reach them binds you with chains. Choosing contentment makes us bulletproof and sets us free. You can never be freer than when you literally don't care any more whether you get all the things you've ever wanted. The world opens up brightly and life comes alive with hope. You can breathe better, your body relaxes more, and sleep becomes sweet.

And believe it or not, your dreams become possibilities again.

All will be well.

Chapter 21 of "Fallen Away" is up!

Hazel's flexing her user power. Not to mention the MCP. Dumont's back? And just how are they going to cross the Sea of Simulation this time? Link in the sidebar.

"Sabre Wulf" and "Manic Miner?" Say it ain't so!

So, a friend of mine discovered that back in the early 1980s, there were a couple of video games made for the same platform, the ZX Spectrum, called "Sabre Wulf" and "Manic Miner." While the games had completely separate plots (not to mention separate makers), the combination of Wulf and Miner in the previous post's screenshot got my friend's attention as another possible explanation of the names. Still, the ZX Spectrum had literally thousands of games for play on it, so this could also be a coincidence.

No matter what, I'm still rooting for Wulf! ;)

Wulf Lives! Nod to "Fallen Away" in "Tron: Legacy?"

Okay, it's just too much of a coincidence for me. :) One of the primary characters in my Tron fanfiction, "Fallen Away," is Wulf, a former soldier of the MCP Warrior Elite, now a friend of Tron. Readers really like Wulf because he is gritty, honest and real. He's a big, strong burly program who you wouldn't want to mess with, but sure would want watching your back.

On New Year's Eve I went for my third viewing of "Tron: Legacy." Because it was my third time, I was paying more attention to details other than the main action. On the wide shot from Clu's perspective during the disk battle scene in the arena, the names of combatants are displayed above each competition cell. The central cell, the one right in front of you...who is the first combatant listed? WULF.

Click to see it bigger!

I about screamed. It was SO COOL. Not only that, but on the next wide shot a few minutes later, Wulf has defeated his opponent and is moving on to the next round. THAT'S M'BOY!!!

Yeah, I may be so vain that I think this song is about me, but that is one coincidence that is way more of a knuck than just an idea like the other similarities. I send love and thanks to my fans who put his name up there, whoever you are. Thank you from the bottom of this hardcore Tron fan's heart. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story!

Chapter 20 of "Fallen Away" is up!

My what a productive weekend! We get a lot of different perspectives in this chapter. Hope you can handle it! ;)

Chapter 19 of "Fallen Away" is up!

Hey, this writing-in-the-morning thing is working really well for me. A new chapter of "Fallen Away" is up! Get ready to step through the looking glass. Link in the sidebar!

Christmas Eve

It's so lovely to be with family today. I really enjoy my mom's company and Olympia is so beautiful at this time of year. The overcast skies and wet weather really bring out the intensity of the green pines and blue water of Puget Sound. I'm grateful to have so much; to be warm, to be loved, to have my needs met.

I thank God for all he has blessed me with and I pray to have open eyes to help meet the needs of others. Most of all, I want to be a person who loves, who lavishes love on others just like my savior does.

He's my hero and the lover of my heart. I'm so grateful for what he did all those centuries ago.

Blessings to all of you this Christmas eve.

"Tron: Legacy" and "Fallen Away"

Wow...all I have to say is, wow. What a great movie! I couldn't be more pleased with Disney's sequel to "Tron." Visually beautiful, musically remeniscent of the original but brand new, a fantastic plotline that kept you involved. Beautifully done! Well done! I'm looking forward to seeing it again.

Some of the most fun parts were seeing things that first appeared in my mind for my fanfiction, "Fallen Away," coming to life on the screen. Let me preface this by saying three things:

1. It is entirely possible that all the stuff I'm about to mention could easily have been thought up by more than one person.

2. The storyline of "Tron: Legacy" is completely different than "Fallen Away."

3. I would be unbelievably flattered if the concepts were indeed found by the writers and creators of "Legacy" by having read "Fallen Away."

Okay, done with that! If you don't want spoilers, stop reading now...

Here we go! Identical visual ideas between "Tron: Legacy" and "Fallen Away!"

1. A program fighting with an identity disk in each hand, who's identity is hidden by a helmet. It was so cool when Rinzler whipped out two disks! My blue warrior, Retribution, first did that in my mind in August 2009. And, yes, she wore a helmet to hide her identity. It looks BRILLIANT on the big screen.

2. The use of lines from the original movie. I love doing this. I try to incorporate them as seamlessly as I can, and I think they did a really good job doing the same thing in the new movie. Loved the repeat of Sark's speech to the new recruits. Identical to "Fallen Away" was Hazel's first line upon entering the computer world, "This isn't happening..." This is a copy of Flynn's original entry line and is also said by Sam upon first entering the digital world in the new flick. That line's iconic, though, and is clearly low-hanging fruit for any fanfic or sequel writer. What is really similar is the attempt to make the re-used lines not incredibly obvious, but slip them in there where they make perfect sense and only hard-core fans would notice them.

3. Mistaken identities between programs and users. This is a major component of "Fallen Away" and is an obvious, but minor, part of "Legacy."

4. Programs attempting to get to the user world. This is a massive plotline in both stories. No getting around this one. It drove "Fallen Away" from day one when I published the first chapter in 2005. It's a gorgeous idea and has been great to work with.

5. Light Jets. Beyond any other similarity between these two stories, this visual one was a thrill to see onscreen. The light jets debuted in "Fallen Away" in August 2009, with Retribution and the freed users leaping out of the cruiser, activating the jets as they were falling, and flying away. In "Legacy," Clu and his bad guys leap from a high tower, activate their light jets while they are falling, and fly away after the good guys. What took my breath away was when Quorra looked back and cried out, "Light jets!" I was like, holy crap, those are my light jets. It was beautiful on the big screen.

6. The datakey around the neck. Mine's at the beginning; Legacy's is at the end. While not a literal key like Hazel's encoded one, Sam ends the movie with a tiny, flat computer storage item on a chain around his neck. I think it's either storing the data of Flynn, Tron or both. That said, he is wearing around his neck critical data connected with the computer world.

Whew! Good, good fun. I have never seen anything that I imagined come to life so clearly on the big screen. The light jets especially took my breath away.

I will post later with my review of the movie. Let's just say, I think they really did the original and the fans justice.

Keep Climbing the Wall

The Lord has been speaking a really good lesson to me today. As I've pondered the D&D events of last night (you might want to read the previous post first), something struck me that I will hold on to for the future.

When we were done playing for the night, Bob told us something. He said that before my dwarrow said her prayer to the dark god, Bob's plan had been for the wights to begin getting the upper hand on the orcs they were fighting and ultimately turn the tide of our battle.

Had I decided to simply keep climbing, rather than making my desperate "hail mary" to Izrador, the battle would've then turned in our favor. One of our party still would've been dead, but the rest of us probably would've survived to complete our mission.

While I'm glad for the decision I made because it kept our other party member with us, the Lord taught me something through this. It's an old saying, but a true one:

It is always darkest before the dawn.

The Lord said, "Nik, you're going to have some dark times in your life, some dark nights of the soul. But I want you to know that, just like Bob had planned a life-saving event for your characters, you never what I am planning to do on your behalf. Even in the bleakest, darkest circumstances, you don't always have to try to fix the problem. Sometimes, you just need to keep climbing the wall, and trust that I am there bringing in the cavalry. Even when you can't see me."

It means a lot and I don't think I'll ever forget it.

The Prayer

So, I was playing D&D "Midnight" today with my gamer friends. I play a dwarrow which is a half-gnome, half-dwarf. She's also a rogue which means she can open locked doors, steal things, hide, sneak attack and find traps. All of these things are what rogues are good at. But mine is a tiny thing. At 3.5 feet tall, she's actually tall for a dwarrow. However, when your fellow gamers' characters stand at above 6 feet tall, a dwarrow is pretty small.

I'm also a Christian who loves a good story. That's why I so enjoy D&D. It's group story-telling. And you never know what ideas your friends are going to come up with as you are all walking through the adventure together. That's what makes it so fun and intriguing.

That said, you can't help but have your natural traits and personality seep into your character. Our group got into a really tough spot tonight during the game. We were at the bottom of a pit, faced with five orcs on the ground, four orcs on rope ladders and about 15 people and two elves up top--all bent on killing our group (as we were trying to stop them from assassinating the elven queen).

One of our group, our wizard, actually died after being blasted with a fireball from one of the elves up above. Our fighter was taking a huge beating from the orcs, and our own elf archer had been knocked unconscious. I was about a third of the way up the wall, having chosen to try to climb up rather than take ladders with orcs coming down. Even our "cavalry," a group of wights (don't ask), were having trouble taking the orcs down.

As I said, I was climbing the wall. My plan was to try to make a sneak attack on the spell-throwing elf up above, since no one was paying attention to me. But it was going to take me a long time to climb the wall. I was going to have to roll my dice probably four more times before I made it to the top, and I would only progress if I rolled high numbers on a 20-sided die. Best roll is a 20--it means perfect success with what you are attempting. Worst roll is a 1--this means an epic fail. Not only was I going to have to roll four more times, but I would have to wait my turn to make those rolls. I saw our wizard get killed and our archer get knocked out. Our party of four was down by two, and our fighter was taking a beating. I was too far away to do anything but keep climbing.

Except what I always do when I'm in a tight spot. Pray.

Something you need to know: there is no god to pray to in the mythology of "Midnight" except Izrador. Izrador is a bad god. He is the only god. And he's evil. A little earlier in the evening, we had run into one of Izrador's legates (priests) and we had to go on this quest at his command or he would've killed us then and there. So, here we are, on this odd "do this for Izrador's side to save the elven queen who he hates..." quest. My friend the wizard was dead! This was very sad for me. That's when I realized that I was down to my last option.

My turn came up. I knew I was going to have to roll the die to climb. I had pondered what I was going to do as the others took their turns. I looked at our dungeon master, Bob, (who creates the plot line as we go along and make choices) and said, "I'm going to roll for a climb, but first..." I took a breath and had my character grip the wall and say, "Izrador, if you actually care about the outcome of this mission, if you really want us to succeed in this, please send your priest guy to help us." Then I rolled the die.

I rolled a 20. A perfect 20.

I didn't really connect with what just happened. I was just so relieved that it meant I wouldn't be falling off the wall. But then I looked at Bob's face and you'd have thought he had just been handed the best Christmas present ever.

And I lit up inside. Because my God had heard my prayer. The dice don't roll in Izrador's world, they roll in this one. And I laughed. Because, with that prayer and roll of the dice, my God handed Bob a glorious plot twist that set his imagination on fire and that ultimately saved the life of our dead party member. I was reminded that no matter what we are doing, God is with us, ever around us, engaged in what we are doing. He loves us. He blesses us. Even in our game time with friends. Perhaps even more in times like that.

So...to finish the tale...Izrador heard. And Izrador answered. And he didn't send his legate. He came himself. (A perfect 20 always gives you what you asked for and MORE). My little dwarrow was suddenly at the top of the wall, not knowing how she got up there, and then became a conduit of the dark god's power. The enemies were obliterated. Not just killed. Completely and totally annihilated. Not even their souls were left. Scary.

But that's within a story. And who knows where it will go from there. My dwarrow doesn't remember anything. But you don't get touched by a god like that without being changed.

Same goes for me and my friends. God was with us as we gamed and had fun tonight. All I know is, God loves my friends with a passion.

Thanks, Lord.

Torn

It's so hard when you believe one way and members of your close friends and family believe another. I understand the draw of Glenn Beck, I really do. He's got opinions that are polarizing and fantastical, and I don't mean that in a bad way. If something is inherently wrong in our political system, I have no problem with people pointing that out.

It's the fear, I don't like. The fear and worry that I hear in the voices of those I love. I am not under some delusion that our government is full of virtuous people who all want the best for the "American people." I think most of them do want to do good, but they just don't agree with each other on what that good should look like. Glenn has one view of what that good should look like, and when it doesn't, he goes into panic mode and he spreads that panic and fear. Those on the left do the same thing. Because fear and drama sells. And they have every right to do think and say whatever they like.

But as a Christian, I am challenged. This is a problem for me. Because my Bible says that perfect love casts out fear. It says that fear is not of God. That we don't have to live in fear; we get to live in perfect love. And when I listen to something that regularly leaves me in a state of fear, I begin to question whether or not it is truly of God.

Listen, any American has every right to be "fearful" for their country right now. Our unbelievable debt has made us a nation with no financial stability at all. We owe everything to everyone. This may be the end of the U.S. as we know it--this may change us fundamentally.

Okay. That happens to nations. It happened to Egypt. It happened to Rome. It happened to the Greeks. It happened to the Aztecs. It happened to England. Superpowers come and superpowers go. Shit happens.

I don't think this is the end of the U.S. But I do think we're changing. I have hope that the Constitution will continue to stand and that reasonable discourse and compromise that benefits all is possible.

But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. Come storm, come change, come danger, come threat, come good, come hope, come faith. Come love. We will serve the Lord.

I refuse to fear when He is my lord.

Walking

I watched a wonderful movie today recommended to my by my friends, Christina and Bob Hill. It's called "Lord, Save Us From Your Followers" and is about the misconceptions that American society has about Christians and that Christians have about American society. It had a beautiful message about the power of love to overcome any disagreement, and about how humility is the calling of Christ, not pride, power or influence.

I wish I knew how to begin making myself a better person, but even that desire is a bit off the mark because it's still about me. I want so much to be a shining light so that people can see what a gentle, loving Creator I believe God to be. I am incredibly flawed--not to speak down about myself, but simply acknowledge that I have no idea what I'm doing.

I resent, very easily, giving of my time and energy if I don't see others putting in the same effort. And yet, no one forces me to put in effort. So who should I be resenting? What I hope to be able to do is say, "Hey, I decided to give. No one made me do this." And give with joy.

Life is too short to be angry with people, or try to make others over into something they're not. And that's terribly unloving.

Really, I just want to love Jesus and love others and love myself in a way that encourages and brings life to those around me. I think most of life will be stumbling toward this ideal, mucking around and messing up, but always getting up and trying again to love.

Love is hard. But love is good.

Three new chapters of "Fallen Away" are up!

Not going to make my goal of finishing the story before "Tron Legacy" comes out, but that's okay. I want it to continue to be as high-quality a story as I can make it. One of my readers emailed me to not push myself if I would jeopardize the quality, so I shant. I'll get close, but I won't finish it. Just too much good stuff I want to get in there. Ah, the writing!

How much

I've been jealous of friends and family who are wealthy. I got slammed in the face with that reality recently and had to repent to my God. I have wanted what they have and have spurned what God has so graciously given me...so much he has given me.

I walked the streets of Seattle tonight and was asked for money by a guy who maybe needed it maybe didn't. But I didn't have anything smaller than a $10, so I lied and told him I didn't have any cash on me. I was frustrated with him because he was aggressive; I had seen him hit up two other people trapped at a red light before he hit me with the same story. I walked on.

Ten bucks was too much to hand out. But then, I thought about it. What if he really did need the money for a shelter bed? He was long gone before my guilt hit me. I had walked half a block. Ten dollars. I had ten dollars to give. Why had that seemed like too much to give? I had just been contemplating going to see a show while I was here...bound to be a $80 seat. I was following directions to a Sees Candy to see what their hours were for tomorrow. Ten dollars.

The sweet notes of a saxophone curved over the noise of people and traffic. I listened as I noted that Sees was open until 6:30 PM, Monday through Friday. I pulled out my $10 bill and back tracked toward the beautiful music. An old man was playing, his belongings around him, a violin case open on the ground. He had a great, busy corner. Lots of people listening. I folded the $10 bill so that it wasn't obvious and dropped it into the case, giving him a smile. I turned to go back the way I'd come.

And then the music stopped and he was calling me. He came to me with a huge, many-teeth-missing grin, arms outstretched, sax in one hand, saying "You knew I needed that more than you did!" I hugged him happily and said, "You got it, baby." We parted with a hand squeeze and he went back to playing, "Michael Jackson's favorite song...Smile." It was beautiful.

I'm in my warm, comfotable hotel room and I think of him.

Why was I so jealous? What was I so jealous of? That I have everything I need? God, make me a humbler, kinder person.

Blue Like Jazz: The Movie is ON!

My heart is so full right now. :) Blue Like Jazz: The Movie is funded. And I got to be part of it.

It's so strange, because it was fairly recently that I picked up BLJ to read (probably sometime in June this year) thinking I hadn't read it before. I was about a third of the way through it before I realized I had, indeed, read it for my book club several years ago. I was just as blessed the second reading. It was then I started following Don's blog and was ultimately connected with the Kickstarter campaign to fund the movie. It is lovely how God works in His way and in His time.



Rent the crane, Steve!!! :)

Thank you!

Okay, this video is kind of a ramble...I'm worried now that I didn't make any sense, but it was meant in the sincerest way, so I decided not to edit it. :)

Books like "Blue Like Jazz" set me free to be a Christian in whatever situation the Lord asks me to be in. Really, to just be Nicole. And to let God be himself in my life in whatever way he chooses...and yes, that can be as an actor in a Haunted Theatre.

I'm so glad to be supporting "Blue Like Jazz: The Movie!" :)

Blankies for the shelter cats! Fully funded!

I found this lady a week or so ago when searching Kickstarter.com for projects to support. What a sweetheart. She was only asking for $50 to help buy yarn so that she could continue knitting blankets for shelter cats. I found her simply by searching Kickstarter for "cats." So glad I did. She is off and running with $305 in donations. Way to go, Erin! :)