How much

I've been jealous of friends and family who are wealthy. I got slammed in the face with that reality recently and had to repent to my God. I have wanted what they have and have spurned what God has so graciously given me...so much he has given me.

I walked the streets of Seattle tonight and was asked for money by a guy who maybe needed it maybe didn't. But I didn't have anything smaller than a $10, so I lied and told him I didn't have any cash on me. I was frustrated with him because he was aggressive; I had seen him hit up two other people trapped at a red light before he hit me with the same story. I walked on.

Ten bucks was too much to hand out. But then, I thought about it. What if he really did need the money for a shelter bed? He was long gone before my guilt hit me. I had walked half a block. Ten dollars. I had ten dollars to give. Why had that seemed like too much to give? I had just been contemplating going to see a show while I was here...bound to be a $80 seat. I was following directions to a Sees Candy to see what their hours were for tomorrow. Ten dollars.

The sweet notes of a saxophone curved over the noise of people and traffic. I listened as I noted that Sees was open until 6:30 PM, Monday through Friday. I pulled out my $10 bill and back tracked toward the beautiful music. An old man was playing, his belongings around him, a violin case open on the ground. He had a great, busy corner. Lots of people listening. I folded the $10 bill so that it wasn't obvious and dropped it into the case, giving him a smile. I turned to go back the way I'd come.

And then the music stopped and he was calling me. He came to me with a huge, many-teeth-missing grin, arms outstretched, sax in one hand, saying "You knew I needed that more than you did!" I hugged him happily and said, "You got it, baby." We parted with a hand squeeze and he went back to playing, "Michael Jackson's favorite song...Smile." It was beautiful.

I'm in my warm, comfotable hotel room and I think of him.

Why was I so jealous? What was I so jealous of? That I have everything I need? God, make me a humbler, kinder person.