But I'm also tired of being terrified.
So I grip the ropes harder and pull, praying to God that I'm in shape enough not to hurt my back. The sail flaps hard as we force it to our wills and then bellies full, harnessing the wind.
I'm 43, always hated physical activity, was humiliated in P.E., and all those failings are crashing down on me now like the waves as they hit the bow of the Lady Washington.
Dammit, I want this.
I push the memories away like taking off an outer layer of clothing, no longer needed, and my spirit refocuses and cools. We are called to tack and I race to manage another line, wondering when I'll be ordered up the mast. My foundations shake at this thought. But I also notice that my back isn't hurting. That I'm feeling strong.
I can do this.
I feel His smile warm my soul and my spirit fills with His laughter. The work is hard, but this is what I want. This is freedom. We finish tacking and I tie down my line carefully, with close attention. The knots are not yet second nature.
I smell the salt tang in the air and rest as the helmsman stays on course and the captain plans our next direction. I look at my grimy hands, running my thumbs across my fingers to feel the grit. I'll get blisters. I look out over the gunwale at the green, frothy waves. In a couple of nights, I will have to take my turn cooking. That frets me.
One thing at a time.
The bos'un calls my name. My eyes follow her orders up the mainmast. I surprise myself by climbing without hesitation, leaning on my training. My grip is tight and I am terrified, but terror is now just another element, like pain. It can be endured and overcome. The others called to join me in the task are faster and surpass me, but I will not move beyond what I've learned. I admire their skills, rather than be jealous. Jealousy spoils the fun.
God, this is fun!
At this height, my bare feet gripping a line, my hands and arms clinging to the sail to pull it up and tie it down, I am exhiliarated. Still terrified, but exhiliarated. We finish the task. We climb back down. My legs and arms are noodles. My mates laugh and tease me. I laugh, too, less self-conscious than I've ever been.
Maybe my turn at cooking won't be so scary after all.
_____
This story is one that I plan to live out and is part of a contest submission for a free trip to hear from Don Miller on living out your life like a story.
How the seminar can help me... I have several large obstacles to overcome as I pursue this story. There is some weight loss that is already happening and some muscle-building that needs to happen. Finances also must be saved up. I must learn how to feed a group. Not to mention that my application has to be accepted by the folks at the Historical Seaport. And did I say that I'm afraid of getting hurt? Deep breaths. Deep breaths.
This is a story I see happening in about a year and is something I've dreamed about but have never pursued because I just didn't think I was capable of it. I have been very encouraged by Don's blog to throw caution to the wind (no pun intended) and go for it. Fun attracts me like nobody's business and working a tall ship, while lots of work indeed, is the ultimate in fun to me. I love the sea.
The seminar will help me to plan my story and I would expect to hear clear vision from God. He's so good about just laying it out there when I ask. My calling in life is to follow where Jesus leads me and love the people he places around me. There are people on the ship who need to feel the warmth of God's love. I can bring it aboard with me, and receive some from brothers and sisters in Christ who may already be there. If I can just overcome the obstacles. I think the seminar would deepen my vision and give me concrete tools to help me grow as an overcomer.
And then it will be on to the next chapter.
Thanks for this opportunity.
_____
Here's the info on the seminar! www.donmilleris.com/conference
And a video describing it. Hey, that's Don!
Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.
No comments:
Post a Comment